Exhorter Podcast
Welcome to the Exhorter Podcast where we aim to stir up love and good works, through bite-sized biblical discussion. This local effort of the Church of Christ located in Clovis California is hosted by Kyle Goodwin, Paul Nerland, Nate Shankels, and Jon Bradford.
Exhorter Podcast
42 - Tackling Unmet Expectations
Life frequently diverges from our expectations, especially in relationships and careers, causing disappointment. This episode explores setting aligned expectations with God's will and managing them in interactions with others. Pulling insights from Proverbs 13:12, we discuss how anticipations can lead to disappointment, and how the art of compromise in relationships allows us to manage these expectations.
But what happens when low expectations breed cynicism and negativity? Together, we'll dissect how faithfulness is key when setting expectations of God and those around us, and why grace and mercy are crucial when anticipations fall short. Drawing from Paul’s letter to Timothy, we'll delve into the importance of placing our hopes in serving God, guaranteeing that the outcome, regardless of what it is, aligns with the divine plan. The episode aims to guide listeners toward this reality by navigating the challenges of unmet expectations and underlining the need to ground hopes in God's Word. Effective communication and understanding our own imperfections are highlighted when expectations are not fulfilled.
Contact the Exhorter Podcast
Thanks for listening!
Welcome to the Exordr podcast, where we aim to stir up love and good works through bite-sized biblical discussion. John, I think you've got our topic for today Enlighten us Enlighten you.
Speaker 2:Oh, you know, I will Thank you.
Speaker 1:Humbly, enlighten us please. Humbly, that's it.
Speaker 2:Humbly Enlighten you, you know. So I'm thinking about a verse right now, if we want to look at it Proverbs 13, verse 12, hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. And I'm just first curious what do you guys think that verse is talking about?
Speaker 1:Well, I think deferred was obviously in the future. You know something, you were.
Speaker 3:I think it was Tom Petty who said waiting is the hardest part. I like that reference.
Speaker 2:I appreciate it Amen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so deferred, I think, would push it off to the future and hope is something you're looking forward to and yeah, I can think of several times in my life where I was looking forward to something that did not happen and I was upset. I was upset about that. My four-year-old does this, you know, regularly. She's expecting a treat or whatever after lunch and then she doesn't get it and she's like a wreck. I wanted it.
Speaker 2:But the desire fulfilled is a tree of life. What do you think that?
Speaker 3:Well, it's unwrapping the present on Christmas morning when it arrives. The anticipation has been great, but when it arrives it's really good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's a very positive message, but it can also make you think. For me, it doesn't mean that we should not have any expectations in life because we don't want our heart to be sick. You know, we don't want to be disappointed, and so maybe the reaction there would be maybe not have any expectations. I think Mary Jane said it best, or said it very similarly expect disappointment or it could be disappointed at all.
Speaker 1:Spider-Man. Mary Jane, that's Spider-Man.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, yeah, I want you to clarify Marvel Marvel, yeah.
Speaker 3:Is her name Mary Jane, though I thought it was just MJ, but I don't think it was.
Speaker 2:Mary Jane, it's MJ. Yeah, you're right. It's not Mary Jane so that's where we're going to stop or we're going to Google to make sure it is MJ See and this is her name is Mary Jane Watson.
Speaker 1:But this is why you guys would make excellent film critics.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but what?
Speaker 1:The Exordia Film Critic Edition. That would be a little less positive.
Speaker 2:So I've done this in my life where I've thought, hey, the best way to not be disappointed is to not have any expectations, or to reduce my level of expectations and people and things, and I don't know that that's the best lesson to learn from here. Right, it might actually work. But we all are going to be excited about things. You just talked about your child. You know being excited for something. It happens. We have expectations all the time.
Speaker 3:I got really excited for the pluot I just took a bite of, and then there was a little grub worm inside, so I had to throw it away. It always happens and now I'm angry. But I also know I've got a fridge full of them downstairs, so as soon as we're done recording, I know I'll just get another one.
Speaker 2:And what are some expectations that you've kind of had in life. It just didn't pan out.
Speaker 1:Oh, my goodness. Well, it took me a decade of in adulthood to find a wife. Like I did not want to wait 10 years as an adult.
Speaker 2:That's not the plan.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was not. I was so frustrated and upset by that, literally, like you know, make literally heart sick, right, yeah, there, I can count times where I was like, oh, this isn't working out why. And so, yeah, that was, that was one of the major ones, for for me was finding a, finding a spouse, and then, and then does our fulfill, does a tree of life. I love what I have now.
Speaker 3:You said to wait for 18th birthday.
Speaker 1:You can get she was 18 when I met her and she had been for six months. That's a staying in. Hey, hey, john, you two I can stay in. I can count on several fingers here. Men in this car, rob the cradle.
Speaker 3:I was just, I wasn't going to say it.
Speaker 3:I did the same. You know marriage is it does involve compromises and I wanted kids very early on. I got married at 19, you know a little different story than Nate. But then I had to wait 10 years for kids. You know things didn't work out. There were times where we both agreed, hey, let's wait. There were times where I was like, let's have kids now. I don't want to be old when I have kids. But she didn't Part of that's because I was 12 pounds when I was born and I think she was scared.
Speaker 3:I was scared. So you know, we were married for about about 10 years before we had kids and I wanted kids a bit earlier, but I'm not going to complain with the results.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean that's good, that's good.
Speaker 2:Well, we'll tell them. You didn't complain. I mean, nate, I kind of align and agree there. But I, you know, my expectations was I was going to get married at 21 and I was going to be married forever. Everyone in my family did as well. So I didn't expect to go through and be on my second marriage. I didn't expect for that marriage not to work out. I think that that's very common.
Speaker 2:Relationships is a huge one for people. I expect, and I want you know, to find someone to be in a relationship and when it doesn't work out, it just it's the heartache. Obviously, relationships and emotions and feelings it's really close to this verse here makes the heart sick, even the deferred expectations because we don't. We just don't know when it's going to happen. Even if we feel like something will happen, it's hard to see it, and so I think that relationships is a big one.
Speaker 2:I think this happens with jobs. This happens with education. I thought I was going to go in with this degree, going to go get that perfect job and start my life. I said everyone with an MBA, everyone with a bachelor's degree in college thought we're ready for life. I think that it's a very common thing in life those big milestones, those big pieces, every major decision you make. We have certain expectations and hopes that will pan out. It doesn't always do that. Should we not have any expectations, or how do we have appropriate expectations in life if we don't want to be let down? Or can we at all?
Speaker 1:My father-in-law used to. I remember hearing this from him the first time. He said Nate, the secret to happiness in life is low expectations. I scoffed at that. The first time that I heard that I was a younger man and maybe a little bit more proud, I just thought, well, that's just a.
Speaker 3:I think it was the character Michelle Jones Watson from Spider-Man no Way Home that said if you expect disappointment, then you can never really get disappointed.
Speaker 2:Michelle Jones Watson, you really looked that up and that's correct.
Speaker 3:It's MJ. It's MJ Michelle Jones.
Speaker 2:Wow, that's Spider-verse really sexy in huh.
Speaker 1:Oh, so where I was at in speaking before Michelle jumped in there, yeah, he said low expectations was the key to happiness in life, and I was very just put off by that. But I started to see some wisdom in that as life went on, that having these grand expectations for things that are not necessarily godly, it sets you up for failure and it sets you up for your heart to be sick, and so I think there is some wisdom not in having no expectations, but just in maybe not having high expectations for everything.
Speaker 3:Isn't it interesting how your parents advise? Sometimes, with age and fermentation it just becomes more profound over the years.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, joe, if you're listening, thank you.
Speaker 2:You know it happens all the time. I think that the whole reducing your expectations I think it's half and half. I think there is wisdom in that, where it's smart to just not have lofty, grandiose expectations of things that you don't have any control over and you don't really have any ability to impact. But I also think that you can reduce expectations so low that you become cynical to life and people and things. Sure, because I've said that about people too, it's like I expect people to act selfish and focused on self-interest and so when they do that it doesn't bother me.
Speaker 2:You know, I expect that, but it's kind of a cynical perspective of thinking about people. You know, it's kind of when I was worked in security, you basically looked at everyone who walks through the door as a potential thief. Everyone is a thief. You kind of have this negative perspective on people and life and it's not healthy. It doesn't make you feel good about things. So having no expectations or low expectations could drive you that way. I think maybe we're looking for a certain type of expectations or expectations rooted in something that might help.
Speaker 1:I think we all have expectations, Whether we really want to have them or not, or even realize that we have. I think we do have.
Speaker 2:Default right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like default expectations.
Speaker 2:Sometimes you sit back and be like why am I unhappy right now? I guess I expected something like we kind of like afterwards we realized we had the expectations all along.
Speaker 1:And John, you and I talked a little bit about this earlier. But, like the disciples before Jesus died, I mean, I think that they thought it was going to be an earthly kingdom and they expected that he was going to be an earthly king like David. And then he died oh, and I think it was Peter who said I'm going back to fishing and their expectation was that he was going to be earthly king. He wasn't, and so the way it turned out according to God's plan was much different than according to their plan, and yet, of course, it was better.
Speaker 3:I think it's important to interject the idea that we can have expectations of God and that's his faithfulness. We should have those expectations because we should have certain expectations of other people. I expect my fellow believers, my fellow disciples of Christ, to behave a certain way. Now I understand I will be disappointed, and I was thinking of the end of Second Timothy. This is possibly the last, you know, recorded letter we have from Paul and he talks about some basic instructions. You know, come to me quickly. Jesus has forsaken me, loving this present world. Crescans left for Galatia, titus for Dalmatia. Only Luke is with me, but get Mark and bring him. And then he goes on to say my first defense no one stood with me, but all for sick me. May it not be charged against them.
Speaker 3:I imagine there was some level of disappointment in Paul, but he also balanced that with don't let it be held against them. You know he manages expectations because in the very next verse he says but the Lord stood with me and strengthened me. I don't want to overburden my relationships with other people. I don't want to overburden them with the expectation that they will always be there for me and they will never disappoint me. Because they will, and that's where we need that grace and mercy.
Speaker 3:Don't hold it against them, because I also know I have not always been there for for Jessica the way I should. I've not always been there for my fellow church members. As a preacher, you know, I can't be everywhere all at once, even if I tried my hardest, sometimes it's just because I failed. There are other times where I simply can't be, you know, two places at the same time and I'm going to let someone down. So I acknowledge that I've let people down and I shouldn't hold it against when they let me down. But we should have every expectation that God is faithful and we'll we'll always be there and we can depend upon him and should expect that.
Speaker 1:And that's a that's a valuable attitude to hold when, especially when our expectations fail. I think that God is knowing and trusting that what he has for us is better than maybe what I had expected. And I can look back on my life at those prayers that I made, begging God for certain things and then I didn't get them. My expectation was I was going to get it and then I didn't. But now what I have is so much better, I think, than what I would have had if I had gotten those answered prayers. Kind of reminds me of that Garth Brooks song Sometimes I thank God for uninsured prayers.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's hard to say that. I think you guys are right. I think unmet expectations is hard, but it's where we place those expectations. I think back also on David, and when David was wanting to build the temple, he was so gung-ho about it. He was going to do this work for the Lord. He wanted to build this temple and he was told he wasn't going to be able to do that. He was told that his son, solomon, would end up building the temple.
Speaker 2:Now his heart was in the right place. He wanted to do this good thing for God, which is why, when he wasn't able to do it, it didn't crush him, I think. I think that he was motivated to prepare for it. He was going to do everything but no, I can't build a temple. Well, I'm going to get the whole supplies ready. I'm going to collect all the materials. I'm going to help and love and support my son, who I wanted to do this work. It would be easy for him to get self-focused and to look down on what he wasn't able to do, but he decided I'm going to support the work and what was going to happen for Solomon. I think, because he was all rooted in wanting to fulfill God's will, that he didn't have a soul-crushing unmet expectations. I think that when we place our expectations in serving God, we place that at the forefront, the root of the decisions and the things that we hope for in our lives. That if we start there, we're not going to be disappointed at all.
Speaker 1:So it seems like, as you're talking there, that David was more focused on the effort than necessarily the outcome, the outcome being the temple, the effort being everything that went into making it, and so maybe that ought to be what our expectation is. I expect that I'm going to work hard and service to God, that I'm going to work hard to serve my brothers and sisters or spread the gospel with others, but the outcome is not necessarily up to me. What's up to me is the effort that I put in, and in that I should have an expectation that I am going to put in as much effort as I can.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So, for example, if there's a brand new job I got and I'm looking at this job as a means to fulfill my duties as a husband, to provide for my family, well, what if the job doesn't pan out or I get fired or laid off or something happens? If my goal and focus in life was expecting to be fulfilled through that job, then I can be crushed. But if my goal was to glorify God through my life and being the person I need to be, I'm going to sit back and realize this is going to be another job. It's the income from a good work that I need to be focused on, maybe not that outcome of that job.
Speaker 2:And I kind of felt that in the last year when my job switched and I was really focused on what I could do with this one job, and I think that it I was expecting that and it was easy to get crushed and it was 10 years of expectations, but realizing what my family needed from me and what my God needed from me and what I needed to do as a man, you seek out the other opportunities, fulfill that need. Sure, nate, you mentioned earlier that you know your daughter would cry or you know, didn't have the expectations. How do you, how do you console or deal with your kids or people around you when their expectations are not met? How do you help them work through that, that pain, because it is a pain, I mean you can see all of their voice and their face and everything they.
Speaker 2:it's tragic. Their world is crumbling because we didn't get to XYZ kind of thing.
Speaker 1:Well, with my, with my kids I don't know if this is what you should do with other adults, but with my kids I, I try to empathize. Oh, you know, it hurts when, when we don't get what we want. Huh, yeah, it does. And then, and then I try and put my, my Vulcan hat on and be a little bit logical and just ask some questions.
Speaker 3:Well, why Vulcan ears, vulcan ears?
Speaker 2:I want his Vulcan hands the pointy ones.
Speaker 1:Live, live strong and prosper.
Speaker 3:Live long Live long no it's lift prosper Lift lift strong Lift strong.
Speaker 1:Oh, lift strong. Yeah Right, okay, I can get on board with that. But so I try and empathize with my daughter, but then I also try and be logical about you know well, why are you feeling the way that you're feeling? What caused that and what can? What can we do now to to help you get closer to what it is you were, you were hoping for, or or to change?
Speaker 2:your expectation. Similarly with my kids, a lot of times it's kind of walk through and find out what they were expecting and then be like, well, why are you expecting? That I didn't say you could go do that. Yeah, my kids all the time. Well, so-and-so got a soda.
Speaker 2:I'm like I didn't say you could have a soda you know, that kind of thing is walking them through the process of having them understand what their expectations were. That's like a big one. Sometimes you have expectations you didn't even realize. Yeah, Sometimes just walking through that process of identifying what that expectation was can help you look back and go well, why didn't I expect that? That was ridiculous.
Speaker 1:What a great question to ask yourself at the beginning of any, you know, major undertaking, or even just I don't know the beginning of the day. What am I expecting out of this? So that way at least, you'll understand why you're disappointed if things don't go that way, or happy when things do go that way. It's because, oh well, that's what I expected to happen.
Speaker 2:Ney, I like how you just said that, as far as just before any major effort and things in life, to stop and think, hey, what do I expect to happen from this? And I think that that gets into even our, one of our other episodes about gratitude is just understanding. What am I hoping for? What, what, what will make me content in?
Speaker 3:this Basically. Where I get into trouble is when my expectations become self-focused, oh yeah, and it becomes what, what did I want to get out of this? And I lose sight of the bigger goal of of glorifying God. And you know a text I'm always reminding myself of this one in Philippians, chapter two, where Paul tells us to have the same attitude that was in Christ, and he says let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind, but each esteem others better than himself. It's that last phrase that when I start to wrestle with my expectations not being met in a situation, I ask am I placing my needs or my wants or my expectations above someone else? And then I need to tell myself they are more important than me and that that's the end of it in my mind. They're more important.
Speaker 1:Well, and so where are our initial expectations coming from? Is it? Is it coming from the things that I want, or is it coming from the things that that God would have me to want? Because, as we're having this conversation, I'm reminded of Psalm 37.4. And I've brought this verse up in the past, where it says delight yourself in the Lord, and He'll give you the desires of your heart. And I had a wise preacher tell me that it's not that he's going to give you all the things that you want, but he's going to place within your heart the desires that he wants you to have. And I think that that transfers over to expectations. If our delight is in the Lord, if our focus is on what he wants, then our expectations should be in line with. What am I expecting of this situation? What would God have me to expect of this situation, or of myself or others in this situation?
Speaker 2:When we have expectations rooted in God and God's Word and God's hope for us and plans for us, we're not going to be disappointed. But when we place our expectations and people around us, we do have a potential to be dragged down when those expectations are unmet. So there's three things I have just listed here that I think that will help us as we interact with others spouses, co-workers, brother and kids, everything and when those expectations are not met, how might we respond? And the first one is communicate. Most of the time where those expectations are unmet, it's because you haven't communicated those expectations to someone and when you haven't really taken also the reflection back that you yourself are fallible.
Speaker 2:James 3, verse 2, says For we all stumble in many ways, and if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. Okay, so that's a little snarky there, because the whole point is is we're all fallible, we all make mistakes. So give that grace to people and communicate back and forth when those expectations are not met. Don't respond abruptly when you're shocked that those weren't meant, especially if you haven't communicated what you're expecting.
Speaker 1:Well, and how many times have you not met somebody else's expectations? That always helps me when I'm upset with somebody else about them not meeting whatever expectation I had, that I didn't communicate to them About how many times I've done that to them, and that kind of helps me come down off of my high horse and adjust to not having that expectation met.
Speaker 3:Getting back to your illustration of David and Solomon in the temple, what is it that David did when he was told no, you are not the guy to build the house for me. He burned it down or just the opposite.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the opposite.
Speaker 3:He remembered that it's not about him. The bigger goal is about building a house for God, building a place where all of Israel could come together and know that their prayers would be heard by their God. And so he got out of the way. But also he did everything he could. If he wasn't allowed to build it, he did everything he could, gathered all the supplies, made all the plans, made as many arrangements as he could to make Solomon's job easier, to be the one to build the temple. And so he just recognized that it's not about him. His expectations were that he would build a house for God, but ultimately he recognized, whether it's me or my son, as long as the house gets built, I'm happy with the objective. And so he wasn't focused on David's expectations. He was focused on what is the goal Building a house for God, and I'll do whatever I can to glorify him to accomplish that.
Speaker 2:So we have first communicate. Don't have assumptions. I mean, that's the key, it kind of goes with that. Don't assume they know what those expectations are.
Speaker 2:So reduce that and then next forgive. You know, if Jesus could forgive the men who called out crucify him on the cross, then we can forgive loved ones and friends who do not fulfill those expectations for us. So have that grace and understanding that we are fallible and the person who has the most reason and cause he'd hold a grudge out there because of those expectations he forgave on the cross. Be forgiving so with forgiveness. Obviously the reason why he was able to forgive those people who said crucify him is he had love for them.
Speaker 3:He didn't want them to go to hell.
Speaker 2:He didn't want them to go to hell. He had love for them and we know that love is patient, Love is kind. It does not insist on its own way. 1 Corinthians 13. So understand those things, Just communicate, forgive one another because we are to love one another and we are not to seek our own way. I think if we do these things we'll kind of mitigate some of those the bad communication and bad relationships that we have and just a lot of the struggles we have day to day.
Speaker 3:Well and when you get out of the way you can start to see some of the blessings. I think I've used this in an episode before the idea of collateral blessings. You know collateral damage is unintended destruction, but sometimes there can be unintended blessings and maybe this situation didn't go the way I wanted. But if I can get over myself and get over my disappointment, I can see how well maybe I didn't get what I wanted out of the situation but a dozen other people benefited from the way it turned out and I can be very glad for that.
Speaker 1:You know, and sitting in those negative feelings really doesn't get us anywhere, because for certain circumstances we literally cannot change the circumstance. So we can sit in our negative, bitter feelings things didn't go the way I wanted to or how I expected, but it's not going to change the circumstances. And if the circumstances aren't going to change, then the thing that has to change is what we expect or what we want.
Speaker 3:Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping it hurts somebody else.
Speaker 1:Yep, yep, I've heard it said. It's like putting your head underwater and hoping the other person drowns.
Speaker 2:Just nice it's just like it's a bear pylon.
Speaker 1:We were talking about uplifting episodes, right.
Speaker 2:No, we wouldn't have uplived it. Exhortation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're exhorting you, but, John, you were talking about love, and maybe that should be. Our expectation Is that in every situation, we will love God and we will love others, regardless of what the outcome is. We just know that. Okay, I can control what I do, and my job is to love God and to love others.
Speaker 2:Hopefully everyone can listen to an episode like this and just kind of do a quick evaluation and kind of like a reset before you go into the next day and conversations and relationships in life Go through that mental process of making sure that you're having expectations from the other people. You're going to give them love and it's going to be reciprocated back. If not, give them grace. Don't also use this as a weapon. You could use it as a weapon. I'm thinking like with a spouse it'd be like well, I didn't tell you I was going to unload dishes. I expected that you can easily probably do that, because sometimes we know people's expectations of us. Maybe they're not stated all the time that if you're a husband, you know she's going to expect you to take out the trash or do different things.
Speaker 2:There's certain things that we kind of expect each other to do. If it's not stated that, don't use that as a weapon to say you didn't have the right expectations, we didn't talk about it. You have to communicate better. Don't use that as a weapon, too, because another great podcast title that we could do comes from a sermon Kyle you did today, which is on sin. There is the sin of omission, right when you know something is the right thing to do but you don't do it. You can do that with expectations. You know someone has expectations on you to fulfill a certain need or do something and you don't do that. That's on you.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's on you to do that so.
Speaker 3:Well, thank you, john, for that insightful conversation today. That was a really good topic to discuss. Can I ask a few things of you, the audience? If you found this episode to be enjoyable or even beneficial, would you consider clicking like or even subscribing to our channel on whatever platform you're listening to podcasts on? Another thing I'd like to ask you to do is, if you wouldn't mind, following us on Instagram or Facebook. Get the latest, up to date information on what's going on with the Exordr podcast. And, finally, we'd love to hear from you in the comment section. Please give us your feedback. Thank you so much for listening today. We're excited to be back with you next week.
Speaker 1:We expect that you'll be here.
Speaker 3:I can't stop thinking about a blue-ot and how hot I am in here.
Speaker 2:I'm mentally stuck on those two things. You don't even know to do anything. After this, kyle Literally just coast. He's like, yeah, but truly it is Friday afternoon. We prompt you better.
Speaker 3:I'm dealing with that expectations thing right now.
Speaker 1:You're expecting to not be 80-30 degrees. Don't change your expectations, John what did you expect from this episode?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's it, I'm mad.
Speaker 1:What did we expect of the man from Samur today?
Speaker 2:No, I'm not, I'm just going to remove all this you guys are doing great.
Speaker 3:Just keep going.
Speaker 1:I'm going to make him mad and he's bigger than me.
Speaker 3:Well, thank you for that insight, was that?
Speaker 2:my cue. You use whatever key you want, we're good, but you have to put some thought into this.
Speaker 1:Somehow include the words.
Speaker 2:What do you think I was doing?
Speaker 3:over here quietly thinking.
Speaker 1:Expectation and omission Go. I think I don't want to do it anymore.
Speaker 3:Well, John, thank you for that very insightful discussion today. Can I ask you, the audience, to do a couple of things for us? If you like this episode, will you go ahead and let's see Share it? No, I had it worked out in my head. I need to write these things out.
Speaker 2:I expect you to you should say Well, sorry about that, I didn't mean to expect anything, we expect you to share this with your friends.
Speaker 1:If you love it, yeah, and if not, we know Alright.
